Nasty shock

I've begun to realize in the last few days that I am a far more selfish being than I had previously known. Don't get me wrong; I wasn't suffering from the illusion that I wasn't selfish. I just had no idea how truly deficient I was in this area.

I mean, I always try to be nice to people, and feel horrible when I fail. I give, if not generously, at least more so than many. (That's always a dangerous game to play. Unfortunately, as a tax accountant I'm exposed to the giving habits of a lot of people. It is, therefore far too easy to find myself saying, "I'm better than they are.) When I find out an acquaintance is in trouble I try to help, or at least lend a kind word.

As such, I've tended to think that I'd been doing a pretty good job in the business of being less selfish. What I didn't realize is that I was only be generous when it didn't really cost me anything. (I don't really count money. Yes, money is necessary and I'd like to have more of it if possible, but parting with money has never caused me any serious heartburn.)

But recently, when I found my own silly priorities coming into conflict with the very serious concerns of a friend, I let my petty wants outweigh my friend's much more important needs.

In other words, when it really mattered, when it really cost me something, I was unable to be selfless.

I keep asking myself, "What came over me?"

I don't have a good answer. All I know is that I was unable to control my own pettiness in order to make things easier for a friend.

I really didn't know I was that selfish. Realizing it has been quite a shock.

Now I've got to figure out what to do about it.

I know that for starters I've got to learn some impulse control. Far too often lately I've expected that whatever I wanted was just there for the taking. I haven't seen a need to restrain myself. I've got to re-learn some basic control.

I've also got to learn to listen to others better. It seems lately that I find myself knowing what people said, but not really understanding. As a result, I end up with the basics of what people are looking for, but not really understanding their motivations. Consequently, I've found that I'm not always able to tell just how important something is to someone until it's far too late.

I pray God will grant me the wisdom to know how to defeat my selfish nature, the ability to recognize when I'm in danger of placing myself before others, and the strength of character to stay the course.

Comments

[mark butterworth]

It's good that you are able to recognize when and where you have failed, and act upon it.

[lt]

Trying harder under your own power will leave you more defeated than ever. Continue to draw near to God and he will change your heart. He is the one who will effect the permanent change, not you doing it with his wisdom as the tool.

(I'm sure you didn't fully mean it that way, but I wanted to clarify)